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Guest Post: Happy Endings by Awesomewriter65

So, as a middle schooler, I thought that Awesomewriter65 would be the perfect username for my Wattpad. I had then started writing Happy Endings.

This story was practically my baby. I worked out ever single detail I could and planned it to the tee. Even though I have everything for it planned, I still have not finished my entire novel. I have been rewriting, revising and planning this entire universe since I was in the sixth grade.

Cover made for me by a fellow writer on Wattpad.

Since publishing chapters of Happy Endings on Wattpad, so far I have gathered over 1k in views. In honor of the many years I have been posting chapters of Happy Endings, I thought I’d share with you my favorite scene from Happy Endings.

Before I share the excerpt, I should probably tell you what my story is about. This summary was pulled from my Wattpad account:

Another cover made by a fellow writer on Wattpad.
“Life hits Rebecca Waters and Philip Waters in the face when their mom gets thrown in prison. With their mom in prison and their dad gone their older brother Eddie takes them in. Growing up with a drug dealing mom was hard enough, but after the arrest it was even harder being raised by their brother who was still growing up himself despite his age.

Over the years once the kids watched as their older brother grew up from a rebellious teenager to a loving husband with a stable job and a baby. One mishap; their mother is released from prison on good behavior and is ready to fight for custody.

If that can’t get any worse, Rebecca struggles with the idea of falling in love and the drama of high school. Thankfully Phil and Rebecca have their best friends to stick besides beside them. But when things start to look up, it all falls down. The twins’ mom hires scheming lawyer Shane Russo to plead their case and let their mom win. As he gets close to Rebecca and her weird family, Shane soon learns that he suddenly cares for this family which makes the battle even harder. Not only that, but Shane deals with his own inner demons.

Will they be able to stick together?”

Now, the following is an interaction between the lawyer, Shane, and the twins’ sister-in-law, Angie. If you have any interest in reading more, follow my Wattpad page and check out my posts there.

Yet, another amazing cover made by another member of the Wattpad community.

“Shane stayed in a dirty motel a few blocks away from a few restaurants. This was his first custody case. Shane mostly worked with cases in which someone sued someone else. The only thing he hoped for is not bonding with the twins. That would be horrible. He was hired by the twins’ mom to represent them, but somehow let their mom win. For the sake of the case, and for the sake of him getting his money, he had to let their mom win and had to not get attached to the two teens.

As he threw his clothes in the dirty dresser that smelled like mold, he hoped the dresser wouldn’t ruin his clothes. The room was dark and dusty. There was one bed and a dresser and a square T.V. There was a bathroom, a small one at that. The room was quiet. It was almost too quiet. He could hear his own heart beat. It was a nervous heartbeat. It was a guilty heartbeat. The kind of heartbeat you get after someone gets furious with you and you’re afraid they’ll never forgive you.

All he had left in his brown matted up suitcase was a couple of black shirts and some socks. He shook, startled when he heard a knock at his room door. Shane stood silently hoping the knocking would go away and he could watch T.V. His body was like a deer when it sees headlights. Only fear pumped his blood. The knocking soon turned into banging and he gave in and slowly walked to open the door. When he opened the door, he saw a short British woman with dark red hair crossing her arms. Her arms were crossed and anger spread across her face.

Shane put on a fake face to hide his fear. ‘Hey, dollface,’ He said to her. ‘How ya doin’?’

Angela jabbed her pointer finger at Shane’s chest yelling, ‘You’re a fraud!’ She backed him up into the room and slammed the door behind her.

Shane crossed his arms, ‘What in the world are you on about?’ He snapped.

‘What am I on about? Don’t act like you don’t know,’ she replied in a irritated voice.

Shane threw his hands in the air. ‘Well if I’m an actor, you might as well give me an Oscar!’ He replied sarcastically in an almost shouting voice.

He tried to ignore Angela so he walked his way to the mini fridge in his motel. Angie still stood, silently judging him. Angela knows how to get information outta of people. She does it for a living. She can flash the opposing side in a courtroom a look and she can get the information out of people.

Angela is an honest person. She doesn’t believe in lying and she can sniff it out a liar from miles away.

‘Shane Russo, don’t you dare mess with me. I uncovered all your dirty little secrets.’

Shane stopped in his tracks as he opened the bottle of beer.

‘What do you know about me?’ His voice shook as he turned around to face her. He tried the best he could to as stay calm as he could, but in that moment it was hard to stay calm.

‘You’re just another sleazy lawyer!’ she accused.

‘I wouldn’t know what you’re talking about,’ He replied sipping his beer.

‘I have a very good friend who can dig up so much dirt about you. You may have Rebecca and Phil and maybe even Eddie a little, but I could see right through your ignorant smug look. I don’t trust you.’

Shane rolled his eyes at her. ‘Oh yeah?’ He tested.

‘You act like women don’t know how to do their research,’ Angie muttered under her breath.

Shane kept rolling his eyes at her. This whole conversation was like arguing with his siblings. The other one will just keep badgering him until he finally tells the truth. He didn’t want to give in, but if there is one thing he hates more than waking up before noon, it’s someone like Angie.

Granted, he knew what he was walking into when he signed up for this job. Laura gave him information of the family. Shane already knew what he needed to know. It was just a matter of time before he could put everything into action and do what he does best.

One last awesome cover made for me by someone on Wattpad.

‘How’d you even find anything on me?’ Shane sighed giving in as he rubbed his temples. ‘Fine! You want the truth? I lie, okay? I bribe people and I do illegal things. And I like it.’

Angela was stunned and wide eyed. ‘I can’t believe you! How could you do that?’

Shane stifled a sarcastic laugh. ‘Look, dollface. There are two kinds of people out there. There are the Saints who want to do everything right. Then there are liars and I’m one of them.’

She pinched the bridge of her nose. ‘God, you’re horrible. I can’t believe I breathe the same air as you.’

Shane downed the rest of his beer he had been drinking and threw it in the trash can. He watched her as she circled the room, trying to wrap her head around the situation. Angela quickly tried thinking of solutions to fix the problem.

It seemed like everyone had goggles on in the house. They all thought this guy was their savior. To Angie, he was translucent and she could see right through him. She was even surprised that Phil and Eddie fell for Shane’s act.

‘You act like you do nothing wrong. You’re a sleaze and a scammer. I can’t believe that people like you exist””’

He pointed his finger at her, cutting her off and shouting, ‘You don’t know what it’s like for me. When I first started out I broke and I needed the cash. It’s easy to throw a little bribe here and there.’

Her hands ran through her red hair. ‘Everyone starts off at the bottom, Shane! It would’ve been fine if you just played fair! You didn’t have to base your cases off lies and bribes!’

‘You’re a lawyer too! You should know that we’re professional liars!’

‘We serve for justice. We can’t just feed lies. We need cold hard facts. Why’d you even take this case?’

She seemed more calm than before, but now she was more sad than angry, ‘Why’d you even take this case? Because their mom offered you a lot of money? I can see you need it.’ She looked around at the grimy hotel room.

‘Okay, yes she gave me money to fight in this custody case and yes I may be living in a crappy motel room. Sure, I’m broke at this moment in time, but I’m not who I was back then.’

Angela scoffed at this and rolled her eyes. She had every right to. She doubted that he was any different now. The reason he was broke is because he blows all his money. Mostly on gambling and drinking. The reason he took this job was because to him, it seemed like the perfect job for him. It was different and seemed easy enough where he could pass with flying colors. Plus, these days it seems like people love seeing children reunited with their biological mother.

‘But I’m also doing this because I really want to do this, and do something good for these kids,’ Shane lied and Angela just rolled her eyes. She could see right through this guy. She no idea why anyone would trust this him.

Must be his good looks, Angela thought to herself.

‘Listen here Shane Russo, these kids mean the world to Eddie. I’m pretty sure he loves them more than he loves himself. If I could, I’d be the lawyer in this case but I’m not,’ She walked up to him and stabbed his chest with her finger again.

‘He waited so long to get them back in his life and if you mess anything up for this family I will make sure that every detail I have on you is released to the public.’

Shane stopped in his tracks and stared at the short woman walking to the door, ‘So let me get this straight. You’re not okay with lying, but you’re okay with blackmailing me?’

Angela turned around before she walked out the door. She turned back about to speak again but only stared for a good few seconds at the middle-aged man. Then she shook her head and left. Shane watched her get in her car. He watched until she drove away.”

Lou is a writer of rom coms, eater of pizza, lover of 90s boybands and cat enthusiast. You can follow her on Twitter at @aweosmewriter.

This was a guest blog post.
Interested in blogging here?

Assembling an itinerary for a blog tour? Promoting a book, game, or other creative effort that’s related to fantasy, horror, or science fiction and want to write a guest post for me?

Alas, I cannot pay, but if that does not dissuade you, here’s the guidelines.

Guest posts are publicized on Twitter, several Facebook pages and groups, my newsletter, and in my weekly link round-ups; you are welcome to link to your site, social media, and other related material.

Send a 2-3 sentence description of the proposed piece along with relevant dates (if, for example, you want to time things with a book release) to cat AT kittywumpus.net. If it sounds good, I’ll let you know.

I prefer essays fall into one of the following areas but I’m open to interesting pitches:

  • Interesting and not much explored areas of writing
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  • Your favorite kitchen and a recipe to cook in it
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Length is 500 words on up, but if you’ve got something stretching beyond 1500 words, you might consider splitting it up into a series.

When submitting the approved piece, please paste the text of the piece into the email. Please include 1-3 images, including a headshot or other representation of you, that can be used with the piece and a 100-150 word bio that includes a pointer to your website and social media presences. (You’re welcome to include other related links.)

Or, if video is more your thing, let me know if you’d like to do a 10-15 minute videochat for my YouTube channel. I’m happy to handle filming and adding subtitles, so if you want a video without that hassle, this is a reasonable way to get one created. ???? Send 2-3 possible topics along with information about what you’re promoting and its timeline.

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Guest Post from Rob Dircks: 8 Ways to Make Your Writing Funnier

Pictures of the book Where the hell is Tesla by Rob DircksFirst, I didn’t set out to be a humorist. And I’ve only got one sci-fi comedy novel so far, Where the Hell is Tesla?, so I’m not sure I qualify as anyone you should listen to. But I’ve always loved funny sci-fi, like Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, or John Scalzi’s Agent to the Stars, or Pratchett and Gaiman’s Good Omens, and I love the process of writing humor. It seems like a fit. I’m sticking with it.

Along the way, I’ve learned a ton from great writers, and great teachers, and from screwing up in every conceivable way. So here are a few of my favorite little nuggets that you might find it useful in your own writing:

1. Exaggerated Contrast.
Imagine you move into your new apartment, and you go next door to ask if they signed for a package you were expecting. You’re invited in, and you find yourself in the middle of four adult males playing Dungeons and Dragons. With costumes on. Hmm. This might make a funny story to tell your friends later. But let’s exaggerate the contrast more by making all four of these guys over-the-top-crazy-smart scientists who revel in everything tech and sci-fi. Now what’s your story? The Big Bang Theory. A huge comedy hit, in its ninth season. A classic fish-out-of-water story pitting poor Penny against the ultimate geek squad.

Or take Dortmunder, the cat burglar hero from the old Donald Westlake novels. He’s literally the only sane person in an insane world filled with incompetent crooks, bungling cops, and inept villains. The result? He had so much comic potential he starred in twenty-five novels and short stories.

Why does fish-out-of-water work? Because the greater you can make the gap between the normal person’s perspective (Penny, Dortmunder) and the crazy world’s perspective (the four scientists, incompetents in general), the richer the vein of comic possibility. And science fiction can be even better, as your worlds are only limited by your imagination. Just look at Hitchhiker’s Guide’s hapless Arthur Dent, thrust into insanity on a galactic scale. And in my novel, the “fish” are two regular joes who find themselves trapped inside an “Interdimensional Transfer Apparatus” ““ where each dimension they visit is strange, and rife with comic opportunity.

2. The power of three.
Take a look at this exchange between two friends on a bridge.

Murph smiles. “Look. It’s only forty feet, and the water’s plenty deep. You first.”
Andy peers down, with one eye closed, gripping the railing for dear life. “What are you crazy? No way!”
“Come on. Okay, we’ll jump together. It’ll be fun.”
Andy shakes his head. “No, It’ll be death. Forget it.”
“I’ll buy you Skittles.”
“Hmm. The big bag?”

The first time Andy says no is the setup, describing the conflict. The second time he says no, it ratchets up the tension and validates his convictions ““ there’s no way he’s backing down. And the third time is the release and the punch line ““ not only has Andy reversed, but he’s made risking his life contingent only on which size bag of Skittles he gets out of the deal. (He must really like Skittles.) That’s the power of three.

Let’s not stop there, though. Who did you think this was? A couple of teenage boys? Now imagine they’re seventy-five. Suddenly we’ve added exaggerated contrast to goose the humor (old guys don’t jump off bridges, and I don’t know any that eat Skittles). Even think about the word “Skittles.” Okay, it’s cheap comedy, but the sound of the word “Skittles” is kind of funny. Different. The way it rolls off your brain when you say it. Plus, their little exchange is also”¦

3. Two friends arguing.
Listen to Where the Hell is Tesla?‘s heroes, Chip and Pete, after Chip discovers directions to Tesla’s interdimensional portal in a journal and tries to talk Pete into investigating:

“So, you want to check this thing out, right?”
“F**k no. What are you, an idiot?”
“Dude. What could possibly go wrong?”
“Classic. Cut to scene of us in jail. Or scene of us dead. Or scene of us God-knows-where in space-time.”
“Well it would be space, not time. It would be the same time no matter where we went. It’s a dimension machine, not a time machine. “
“Oh, gee, now I totally want to go.”

The comedy tradition of two buddies who love each other but bicker like an old married couple goes way back to Laurel and Hardy’s “here’s another fine mess you’ve gotten us into.” (I’m sure it goes back even further, like ancient Egyptians had plays about roommates who couldn’t agree on how many humps a camel is supposed to have.) Abbott and Costello, Crosby and Hope, Chandler and Joey, the angel/demon couple of Aziraphale and Crowley in Good Omens, and David and John in John Dies at the End. The list goes on and on and on.

Why does it work? There is something about friendship (which we all love) and bickering (which we all indulge in) that feels familiar, and when exaggerated, reminds us how the foils of life, the things we fight about, are silly and kind of funny. And it creates conflict where the stakes aren’t too high. And it allows us to live vicariously through characters who say and do the things we secretly wish we could in real life.

4. Surprise.
There are a lot of things I love about Audition, Michael Shurtleff’s book on how actor’s should audition for roles (though it’s really about how to craft a good story). But my favorite is probably what he calls “Discoveries” ““ remembering always to ask yourself “what is new?” Surprise creates new ““ and potentially funny ““ conflict in a scene. An example: deep into Where the Hell is Tesla?, Chip wakes up from a particularly shocking experience with a surprise: he has a new foot. A furry one.

“I don’t care. I’d still rather have no foot. Nikola, you’re a man of reason. Would you want a furry alien foot? Truly, deep down in your heart? Wouldn’t you rather have a nice pair of crutches? Or a hand-carved mahogany peg leg? Please cut this thing off, will you?”
“Chip. We are obviously not going to cut off your new foot. Can you not see even one positive thing in this?”
Hmm. I hesitate. I look down at it. “Well, it’ll never get cold.”

5. Don’t be afraid of slapstick.
People fall down. Kids accidentally hit their parents in the crotch with frisbees. Moms drop birthday cakes on the floor. And you know what? It’s funny. It just is. America’s Funniest Home Videos is based entirely on that premise, and it’s in its millionth season. So don’t shy away from it ““ embrace it. Have your main character slap someone by accident while making a point. Have your villain bend over and split his pants. Have your hero drink what she thinks is lemonade, until the lab guy tells her it’s poison, and she spits it out in his face. BUT keep it relevant to your characters’ personalities and motivations, so it’s not just a one-off visual joke. Because”¦

6. It’s not about “jokes.”
One-liners are for stand-up comedians and movies like The Avengers. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fun of The Avengers, but I avoid things like serious action sequences punctuated by zingers, like this one after Thor hits Captain America’s shield: “It’s all in the swing.” In fact, that whole trailer is a great example of joke overkill – there’s a snappy one-liner every five seconds. Be careful of “jokes.” Jokes are empty unless they’re a natural extension of the situation and the character’s state of mind.

7. Playfulness.
There’s a security in writing comedy, knowing that as bad as it gets, even if minor characters die, it’ll never get THAT bad. So don’t forget to let them have fun. I love the way John Scalzi does this (I’m thinking about Agent to the Stars and Redshirts in particular.) Even in their lowest moments, trapped in an underground chamber, your characters can talk about how they hated the movie Ghost. Or during a torrential downpour on a dark night on a dangerous planet, have your hero skip through a puddle, remembering that was her favorite thing when she was a kid. In Where the Hell is Tesla?, I had the main characters, right in the middle of all the tension, have a pillow fight. The world is your oyster ““ slurp it up.

8. Heart.
Maybe the biggest thing with comedy (as with all storytelling, I guess), is instilling it with heart. Without real living, breathing characters with real feelings, you wind up laughing at them, instead of with them (if you laugh at all.) Think about all the characters I’ve mentioned in this post, or ones from your favorite sit-coms. When you get to know them, you bond with them, and when they fall down you feel bad (even though you’re laughing), and when they’re climbing a mountain you’re rooting for them, and when they say or do something funny, not only do you laugh, but you feel good about it.

Wow. I didn’t realize I’d actually have a point, but I guess that’s it. That it’s not about the laughs. It’s about the feeling that comes with the laughs: that kind of giddy, warm connection to a story and a character, that makes you feel good, feel a little glow, even after you’ve closed the book.

Reading Recommendations
If you’re interested in humor writing, I highly recommend:

  • The Comic Toolbox, by John Vorhaus (indispensable, and the source of several of these concepts)
  • Audition, by Michael Shurtleff (not specifically about comedy, but awesome for scene writing)
  • 1984, by George Orwell (I’m kidding, if there’s ever been an anti-comedy, that’s it)

robdircksAbout Rob Dircks
Rob is author of the science fiction comedy novel Where the Hell is Tesla? His previous work, an anti-self-help book titled Unleash the Sloth: 75 Ways to Reach Your Maximum Potential By Doing Less, has the distinction of being the very first self-help book to prescribe taking a nap instead of mowing the lawn. Both books have been bestsellers (depending on your definition of “bestseller.”) He’s a member of SFWA (Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers of America), and owner of Goldfinch Publishing, a small (very small, wee in fact) assisted publishing service. He also owns and operates an ad agency, Dircks Associates. You can follow and contact him on RobDircks.com.

About Where the Hell is Tesla?
SCI-FI ODYSSEY. COMEDY. LOVE STORY. AND OF COURSE… NIKOLA TESLA.
I’ll let Chip, the main character tell you more: “I found the journal at work. Well, I don’t know if you’d call it work, but that’s where I found it. It’s the lost journal of Nikola Tesla, one of the greatest inventors and visionaries ever. Before he died in 1943, he kept a notebook filled with spectacular claims and outrageous plans. One of these plans was for an “Interdimensional Transfer Apparatus” – that allowed someone (in this case me and my friend Pete) to travel to other versions of the infinite possibilities around us. Crazy, right? But that’s just where the crazy starts.”

Enjoy this writing advice and want more content like it? Check out the classes Cat gives via the Rambo Academy for Wayward Writers, which offers both on-demand and live online writing classes for fantasy and science fiction writers from Cat and other authors, including Ann Leckie, Seanan McGuire, Fran Wilde and other talents! All classes include three free slots.

If you’re an author or other fantasy and science fiction creative, and want to do a guest blog post, please check out the guest blog post guidelines.

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Guest Post: Jack Jetstark's Intergalactic Freakshow

Jack Jetstark’s Intergalactic Freakshow is about the people who don’t fit in. The freaks who are too much like this or not enough like that for society to accept them.

I write from experience. I may not breathe fire or fly or read minds, but I am disabled. And a woman geek. And “too smart for my own good,” according to multiple teachers and psychologists. Somewhere between the first and final draft of this book, though, I realized I have another thing that makes me different.

I’m autistic.

In retrospect, it shouldn’t have been a surprise. I didn’t talk outside the home until I was thirteen, I’ve always hated eye contact, and there may have been a period in my childhood where I communicated primarily through meowing.

But I was disabled and homeschooled and so no one caught it. I was just “weird” or “difficult” or, more often than not, “no seriously, you do not want to screw with her Froot Loops, she just got them sorted by color.” If I’d been diagnosed at an earlier age, maybe I would have felt less weird, less like I was doing something wrong, but it is what it is.

(Technically, I can’t get a formal diagnosis because of accessibility barriers and because the diagnostic process is not designed for disabled adults who were raised as extremely sheltered, antisocial females, but my therapist is confident that I am autistic and I am identifying as such from now on.)

So there I am, 28, newly diagnosed as autistic… oh, and working on the final drafts of my novel. And suddenly some of my editor’s revision notes made so much more sense.

She said some of the characters acted in ways that weren’t true to themselves. I now see that one of these instances (the ending) was the result of me trying to write a really emotional scene and getting frustrated and choosing the logical (to me) solution. Another entire subplot ended up getting rewritten because, in a nutshell, my characters had more complex social lives than I could deal with.

When she asked me to add more descriptions of my characters, such as the clothes they wear or how they interact with objects, I was flummoxed. Beyond gender and race, I didn’t know what they looked like, and nonverbal communication goes right over my head.

I’ve since realized that it’s not uncommon for autistics to have trouble distinguishing facial features. Until I’m a few seasons into a TV show, or I’ve known a person for a few months, I have to rely on context to tell me who they are. (I… may have stopped watching The Expanse the first time Thomas Jane took off his hat, because he was the only character I could recognize.)

These weren’t new problems in my writing, but it’s harder to work around them when writing a novel versus a short story. It’s vital that readers stick with you for two hundred and forty pages.

Figuring out that I’m autistic, letting myself embrace that label, was empowering, both in my writing and in everyday life. I’m not just bad at characterization and socializing, I have a condition that makes those things harder than they should be, and knowing that means I can start trying to find the “cheat codes” for my brain.

People like to know what characters look like, so I’ll ask friends who aren’t faceblind for recommendations of nice-looking people, and I’ll cast them as my characters, and I’ll trust everything my editor says on them making realistic decisions. But I don’t alter my writing too much in the grand scheme.

I would never want to be — or even pretend to be — neurotypical. I’m autistic and weird and my writing is, too.

About the Author:
Jennifer Lee Rossman is an autistic and disabled sci-fi writer and editor who describes herself as “If Dr. Temperance Brennan was a Disney Princess.” Her work has been featured in several anthologies, and she co-edited Love & Bubbles, a queer anthology of underwater romance. She blogs at jenniferleerossman.blogspot.com and tweets @JenLRossman

Enjoy this writing advice and want more content like it? Check out the classes Cat gives via the Rambo Academy for Wayward Writers, which offers both on-demand and live online writing classes for fantasy and science fiction writers from Cat and other authors, including Ann Leckie, Seanan McGuire, Fran Wilde and other talents! All classes include three free slots.

If you’re an author or other fantasy and science fiction creative, and want to do a guest blog post, please check out the guest blog post guidelines.

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