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Teaching and Burnout: Taking a Break

Photo of Cat Rambo, speculative fiction writer. All rights reserved.
What classes are coming up? There's Writing F&SF Stories, the First Pages workshop, Podcasting Basics, Literary Techniques for Genre Fiction...and more.
I’ve been teaching online classes for a few years now. They have been awesome and one of the coolest things has been the number of talented writers I’ve had the privilege to work with. However, I’m scheduling a break from teaching during the latter half of 2014, and it’s for a few reasons.

The first and most important is that I can feel a little burnout creeping up around the edges. I’ll be talking in a class and think to myself, “I know I’ve said this before,” and it will be because I have said it before, repeatedly even — but not to that class. I can tell that if I don’t take a break, that feeling is going to drown me.

The second is to focus even more on the writing, because there’s at least two books I’d like to finish up this year, along with the usual roster of short stories. (I’m at ten completed so far this year, which is unusually productive but highly pleasing.)

The third is because I don’t want to get in a rut. I want to go think about some new things and then come back ready to talk about them to students.

So – if you want a class with me in 2014 — check out the list now. I’ll probably list a couple more conversation classes in June, but that’s it. But I’ll be back in 2015!

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"(On the writing F&SF workshop) Wanted to crow and say thanks: the first story I wrote after taking your class was my very first sale. Coincidence? nah….thanks so much."

~K. Richardson

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Patreon Post: Aardvark Says Moo

photo of someone saying yeahAs part of recent updates at SFWA we recently revamped the Nebula Recommended Reading list to show up in alphabetical order. It’s a stopgap measure until the website gets re-designed, and to my mind has some of the same problems as presenting by order of number of recommendations. In musing that over, I mentioned to webmaster Jeremy Tolbert that I looked forward to the new school of aardvarkpunk we were inspiring. A half hour later this story appeared in my head.

This is a Patreon story, published thanks to the generous support of my patrons on there; they get access to the Chez Rambo Discord server, additional sponsor-only snippets and stories, plus sneak peeks at new drafts, discounts on Rambo Academy for Wayward Writer classes, and a chance to win my monthly giveaway. If you’d like to support indie publishing plus get stories, sign up to support me there!

Aardvark Says Moo

“Aardvark says moo,” says the clown, handing over the balloon animal.

My overly precocious kid squints her eyes. “No they don’t.” She folds her arms. No eight year old should be that definite about anything. Whatever happened to the idea of childish sense of wonder?

“I was being whimsical,” the clown explains. “Do you understand what that word means, little girl?”

Now he’s gone and done it. I could have warned him, but no one had consulted me since moment one of this interaction. The kid went up, the clown looked at her and started twisting a pink balloon around, and then he had to start being all whimsical.

“Whimsy,” my child says, “is playfully quaint or fanciful. A talking aardvark impersonating a cow is just dumb.”

At this point, a supernatural element enters my story. You may think it’d be something subtle, maybe the sort of knife edged was-it-real-or-not stratagem that Henry James could employ, but the fact of the matter was that it was a Valkyrie, walking up to look us over.

Maybe a woman dressed like a Valkyrie, you’re thinking. A costume party might have occurred to you, maybe, which means you’re going off on a total tangent, so lemme say this. Kid’s birthday party. Bouncy castle, hot dogs, cake. The only costume was the clown’s, and it wasn’t a particularly inspired one.

The Valkyrie moreover is real. Realer than real. Like a black hole of realness that made everything around her look like faded plastic. Her armor is made of golden scales. She smells like ozone and honey and looks like an angry supermodel with no makeup. She says, “Kyle Holiday, I have foretold that you die in the line of duty tonight but I will take you to Valhalla.”

“I’m pretty sure there’s been some mistake,” the clown says. “That’s my name, but I’m not going to die.”

“No one thinks they’re going to die,” the Valkyrie says significantly.

“Hang on,” my kid says. “This is my best friend’s birthday party and no one should die at it. She’s delicate. She’ll be traumatized for years. Take it elsewhere. What’s he supposed to die of, anyway?”

The Valkyrie listens to the air for a moment. “Peanut allergy.”

“I’m allergic to peanuts,” clown Kyle says cautiously, “but that’s why I don’t eat anything at these gigs.”

The Valkyrie shrugs.

“No, I mean it,” my kid says. “No one’s dying.” She grabs a napkin from the table and holds it out to the clown. “Maybe you breathe in some peanut particles. Tie this over your nose and face. Then get out. Better a flaky clown than a dead one.”

The Valkyrie says, “Who are you, to interfere with a hero’s death?”

“One, my name is Anna Louise Mayhew,” my kid says, her chin pointed at the Valkyrie, “and two, he’s at a kid’s birthday party.”

This Valkyrie listens to the air some more. This time it takes longer, and she gets a funny look on her face halfway through.

“Well,” she says, when she finally returns her attention to us, “he dies while working. There’s not that many clearly defined hero’s deaths around any more, but he faces down countless children.”

“And delights them,” she adds as an afterthought. She reaches out and tweaks the napkin off the clown’s face. “You don’t need that. You’ll like Valhalla.” She looks at my kid. “You’re Anna Louise Mayhew, huh?”

Something about the way she says it makes me step up and say, “Anna, why don’t you walk your friend to the gate?” I fold my arms, look the Valkyrie over. She’s about twice my size, could snap me like a twig, but she seems relaxed about it all. I say, “How do you know her name?”

“I take her, later on,” the Valkyrie said. “We always future-remember the important ones.”

I’m torn between pride and horror. “What? When?”

“Relax,” the Valkyrie says. She takes a piece of cake and it’s somehow reassuring, makes her seem a little less real and more like someone in a costume. “Not till long after you’re dead. They coax her out of retirement for it. She wins and saves humanity.”

I don’t really want to know anything more than that. I say, “So you’ll forgive her saving the clown?”

“It’s kinda pathetic, taking a clown to Valhalla,” she says. “Sometimes someone screws up the paperwork. This might be one of those times.”

Anna comes back and stands looking at the Valkyrie. I can’t tell if it’s fear or admiration or something else. I imagine her as a little old lady, facing down some unguessable enemy, that same solemn expression. The Valkyrie wanders off and vanishes into sparks that travel up into the sky. No one else seems to notice.

These sorts of things happen around my kid a lot, I’ve noticed. I say, “You were kinda hard on that clown about the moo thing.”

“Well, maybe,” she says. “I don’t like whimsy, though. Aardvark goes moo, how twee is that?”

I bet that Valkyrie’s looking forward to seeing her again.

...

Acquainted With the Night

Rain sleets down like multicolored metal needles to splatter against the chill, neon-lit street’s surface. The light gutters across the wet surface of his black plastic rain poncho, picking out abstract tattoos.

Somewhere in the night, he knows there is darkness brewing.

The mask fits loosely on his face under the rain poncho’s shroud. Some people look at him as they go past in the rain, but their eyes skitter away, seeing him faceless in the dark.

At one point the mask was crimson, and golden wind vortexes, bright as daylight, rode his face on either side, framing his power, his strength.

Far away he hears a shout. He pauses to listen, but it does not come again, and he is not sure of the direction. Cars hiss past in a spray of sparkling, heavy, wet mist, and touch the surface of his jacket with beaded jewels.

He tugs at his dark grey face covering, pulling it into place. Rain has seeped in through the eyeholes and walks along his face like the memory of tears.

Is he crying or is it the rain? The question seems overwrought, and he feels himself slipping into one of those dark, cinematic moods, where he sees everything from the outside. It’s starting again, the loop of film that is his life.

#
Scene 1: The Origin

He was an ordinary boy in an extraordinary place, he tells himself. Working in Miracle Labs, he was a go-fer, fetching coffee and sandwiches for the scientists in their bright white lab coats. Everyone was so pleasant, so marvelously cheerful! He whistled on his way to work every morning.

As time passed, though, he became aware of undercurrents. Doctor Octo hated Doctor Sept, and they both vied for the attention of receptionist Wye. Who was worth vying for, he admitted to himself, but he knew that he, pimple-faced and adolescent gangly, wouldn’t have a chance with her. Most of the scientific in-fighting, though, had to do with who published what where. Most of them worked hard at publishing, and conducted their research with scrupulous but eager abandon.

It was easy for someone like himself to pick up some extra cash acting as a guinea pig. It paid well, and his mother.s birthday was coming up. Sept was working on a military project, augmented strength, while Octo was working on a similar project, increased speed.

Tuesdays and Thursdays he sat in Sept’s lab, squeezing grip-meters, while on Mondays and Wednesdays, he used a mouse to click colored shapes on a computer screen. He swore to both of them that no one else was interfering with his physical structure, and they both were horrified but intrigued when their experiments collided, geometrically increasing both strength and speed as though cross-multiplying.

Military types swarmed the labs, smoking jovial cigars while the scientists ran him through test after test with suppressed jubilation, which faded into pretense as every other test subject underwent both treatments to find themselves no stronger or faster than before.

He was their golden boy at first, and even Wye unbent in his direction, admitting she wouldn’t mind a cup of coffee, which led to one thing, then another, then him offering in-home demos of what it was like to bang a genuine superhuman. But more test subjects came and went in failed succession. The doctors became less fond of him as the military soured.

He lost his job at the laboratory, although no one ever really gave him a straight answer as to why.

So he became a superhero, which seemed like a viable option at the time.

#
Part 2: The Career
He got an agent who he.d seen on early morning TV, representative to a group known as the Weather Team. He took the name Captain Hurricane, superspeed and strength qualifying him, he figured.

It was never clear how many superheroes Alan Mix had in his stable. Although his Variety piece when Captain Hurricane joined him said seven, two of those, Ebon Lightning and el Invierno, were sometimes there, sometimes not, due to other gigs with the world of superhero wrestling.

They offered to cut their fellow heroes in on the deal.

“Sweet money and not that hard,” Ebon Lighting urged three of the others, Sunshine Princess, Tsu-nami, and Captain Hurricane. Sunshine Princess did try it, as he recalled, but did not do well in a match against the Hunktress.

Women liked him. What.s not to like about strength and charisma? They liked his gee-whillikers good looks.

He was a little bit in love with Sunshine Princess at one point when he was depressed, but the woman that he would go to his grave loving was another of the Weather Team, Waterlily Elegance, an enormous-haired alien, cerulean-eyed with pumpkin-colored skin from beyond Betelgeuse.

She did not return the affection, though. The mate waiting for her, after she had spent a year in their world, was an enormous purple flower, forever stationary, who floated on a lake of violet emulsion on her home planet.

When she returned home to engage in the mating ritual that would lead to her explosion in a rain of seeds, he spent three nights running in a bar with Sunshine Princess. Each night they staggered home to his apartment and made clumsy love in his unwashed bed. On the third morning he woke up to find her making eggs and coffee in the tiny kitchen.

He drank the coffee in a sullen silence which ate away like acid at her happiness, making it more and more brittle as she moved around cleaning the small space, wiping at the counters with a lemon colored sponge.

“Sit down, for the love of God,” he finally snarled, and she sat, pouring herself coffee and sweetening it with lavish spoonfuls.

“Is everything okay, babydoll?” she cooed, and he could tell she was latching on, sinking in the hooks that would drag him into married life and an eternity of lemon sponges.

“I’m not your babydoll,” he told her startled face. “Not your gumdrop, not your honeybunch, not anything. You were convenient, that’s all, Eleanor.”

She went white as she stood, swaying, and then stiffened herself and marched out to collect her things. She wrapped the yellow cape around herself, sodden still from the previous night’s rain and clinging in damp folds to her skin. He caught a glimpse of her eyes, which were enormous and bruised dark.

That night he patrolled Central Park, and beat three muggers so savagely that they could not walk.

#
Part 3: The Announcement
Three months later when she came to see him about the pregnancy, he already had felt it in his heart. He pushed money in her hand and then pushed her away, physically, a hard shove that sent her sprawling. He turned his back and walked away.

He’d gotten a photogram that morning from Waterlily Elegance. She stood by the shore of the violet lake, one slender hand cupped around her swelling body, ripe with the offspring that would kill her. He wondered what it would look like . would the seeds explode outward, scattering her flesh, leaving scraps of squash color to dry and brittle on the ground? He asked around, asked Silver Spring, the other alien on the Weather Team, but Spring ignored him in a way that screamed impoliteness. Realizing he was violating some taboo, he dropped the subject with reluctant haste.

#
Part 4: The Arrival
He met his daughter first when she was four, hair like cotton-candy floss, colored with pale light. She had inherited powers from both of them, although he could sense she would never be as strong, as fast, as him. From her mother, she had taken the trick of fostering light beneath her skin, letting it go in pulsations of brightness. He called her his Firefly.

He took her every Saturday: to the zoo, to the harbor, to the botanical gardens, to the sculpture garden, to the play ground, to the grocery store, to the laundromat.

They had a year of such meetings before she vanished.

Someone took her out the window, the thirteenth story window that she looked out of each night, her small luminous moon face pressed up against the clear surface. They melted through the glass as though it was water and abducted her in silence.

He nearly died when the police showed him the film, which they said was selling well in underground circles. Although she wore a mask, he recognized the flashes of light that trembled on her naked skin. The men with her wore masks too. They said it was a snuff film, and would not show him more than the moment he needed to identify her. The corpse was never found.

He never found the men either, though he has spent a decade looking. Princess Sunshine committed suicide, and most of the Weather Team is gone. He had to leave it after three years and the fourth scandal of a criminal killed in the course of apprehension. In another decade one of Waterlily Elegance’s children might come back to this planet and perhaps join a new superhero group. He knew that twenty two had survived her death. Their names blended together for him: Casual Horizon, Immaculate Bliss, Serenity of Spite…

Sometimes he wrote to her mate and received in return graceful thought-grams, blended nuances of mental energy and sensation that conveyed regret and well wishes and never spoke of her.

#
And now, the loop complete for another hour, he steps forward again into the darkness. The mask he wears is a duplicate of one from the film . he has no wish to explore why he chose it.

But every night it’s the same, his mask looming down over the fallen form of the mugger, the purse snatcher, the rapist, the suspected harasser, the suspicious stranger out late at night as he kicks and slaps at them, superhuman strength making bruises bloom like light flashes on their skin. Tonight, jewels of light will glitter on their unturned, blank face, and he will feel the blood hot within himself, boiling hot and mammal, unlike the rain.s cool and vegetative touch.

(This story originally appeared in the online publication, FERAL FICTION, in 2004.)

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